There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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