Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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