Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
