Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
