My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
