You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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