I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
