so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
