so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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