I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
