when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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