tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
