I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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