she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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