so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
