you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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