My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
