Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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