you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
