Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
