anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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