Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
