i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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