What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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