I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
