tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
