marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So vagazzling was a success
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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