He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
