How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she smelled like a LAN party
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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