her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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