Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
