Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
