My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
