take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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