If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
