I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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