im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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