her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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