____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I see more hoeing in ur future
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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