A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
