Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
All I want is dick and wine.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
