somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize