I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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