Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
