My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
