Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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