happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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