he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize