and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize