i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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