Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
