you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
