I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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