I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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