there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
